So it's been a week. Feels longer because it has been a busy one but tonight I felt was the time to dedicate to saying this last Au Revoir.
Where do I begin though? I suppose I'll just start anywhere and see where it goes.
When I think back to 1st year and the person I was then I don't quite recognise myself, All Saints has completely redesigned me and created the individual I am today. I'll be honest, back then I had no real goals in life, I didn't know who I was, had no idea what I wanted but most of all had absolutely no motivation inside me to be something more. Truthfully, up until the end of 4th year my pathway in life wasn't clear and I didn't understand what could be waiting for me if I just opened my eyes.
Then, of course you all know what happened - languages. Quite frankly, I don't care how much people might not understand how one thing could completely wake me up and challenge everything. I arrived in the department and something different happened, I began to feel like I was properly needed in the place I'd spent the past 4 years attending. For the first time something truly mattered to me, something created my road to the future all the while the teachers drove me along it. My God, how thankful I am for CT's "higher French" calls because truthfully where would I be, who would I be had she never saw something special in me - something no one ever had. So I began channelling my inner-Frenchman which effectively shapes up to be the inner-me and began this journey that despite me leaving is far from over. I became the person I had always wanted to be but never knew it and so there I was at the bistro sessions, the multi-lingual debates, the staff breakfasts and I loved it - I look back on all these occasions so fondly.
I had found my calling in life, I really had. I enjoyed attending the additional support classes such as Saturday school and the like and felt so prepared for the exam. Then the exam happened. It went fine... well, no I just thought it did. It was August and after months of waiting the exam results were being delivered and I was involved in yet another one of my language adventures, this time on the Strathclyde accelerate programme. A few of my friends decided to stay off on the day of the results but I chose to attend and so anxiously took part in the French activities before a shift occurred. Suddenly, my friends confirmed the impossible, they'd failed French. We'd all bonded throughout the year and they were my family so my heart simply broke when I heard they hadn't achieved in the way they should have but in return it made me completely question what my results would say. I had to wait until I finished and got home at 4 that day to get the news. I got in the door and my Mum was ready and waiting and we ran upstairs, she did the honours - or the dishonours as I could argue - and began reading the results before getting to the one I wanted to hear most. "...French. D." my heart sank and I ran off into my room in denial, confused and angry at myself. I just sat as time ticked by and the occasional person tried to speak to me through the door. Everything I had stood for had changed and I was deemed a failure in the thing that mattered most to me. It killed me. I genuinely had no idea where I was to go from here and how I would pick myself back up. I always remembering see Mrs Campbell-Thow, the following day and she was trying to comfort me knowing how gone I was, I loved speaking to her but I just couldn't and swiftly left - things were different and I felt I had disappointed her.
So the next couple of days were my low point and I always think back to just how sad I was back then but somehow I found the strength to begin to realise that the piece of paper, that I haven't looked at since August, wasn't a definition of my ability - my experience in the subject was. Re-opting, I was back in higher French for the second time and I felt myself in a funny situation, I was surrounded by people who were just at the beginning of their higher story and here I was re-reading it. I faked so many smiles and forced the "bonjour's" when truly my biggest wish was to have someone say "sorry, bit of a mistake you aren't supposed to be resitting". But I was and I couldn't change that.
A few months down the line I had the absolute privilege of going on the "Euroscola" programme and spent the week in France with Anthony and Emma, two of the most talented linguists and greatest friends I have. The experience is my favourite thing of 6th year, I can't recommend the programme enough, I met new people, used my French like never before and for the first time in a long while channelled my inner-me. However, I can never put into words how out of my depth I did actually feel, these people around me - on paper - were better than me at French yet they hadn't had the experiences I had so how? The week was a challenge for me and a time for me to prove myself wrong, my thoughts of "you can't do this" wrong and do you know what? I think I succeeded.
I returned in December feeling better after my Strasbourg pick-me-up but not yet complete. Nevertheless I was as active as ever and I continually loved passing on the lingo message. It was February before I came to accept that I was back for a reason. Some of you will already know what it was that made me discover who I was again and why it was right for me to be back, it was the night of the Burns Supper. I was pretending I could address a haggis as yet again I was believed in, I was shown how to be confident doing something out of my comfort zone again. I sat emerged in this cultural experience, a twist on your regular Burns Night featuring the lingo family - I loved it. I felt this feeling of inclusion as I sat and watched everyone smile and have a laugh together at this incredible evening. I spoke to you guys - the 5th years. It was like it just clicked. You 5th years had always been part of the higher French experiences but I had never realised just how mad about this subject you all were, you all have the enthusiasm, drive and love that I first had and still do. By coming to realise that you were all doing what I was I found my way back on to the road, you all truthfully made me discover who I was again - I was a linguist and honestly no SQA exam result was defining that. Without being too deep, it was genuinely you for having the same "thing" as I did that made me, me again. I can never thank you all enough.
From the Burns Supper I began the process of acceptance and made a concious decision to get to know you all - I hope you would all agree I've done this. Over the coming weeks I learned who you all were, got to know your circumstances and made real, true friends. You guys have so much potential and I see it in everyone of you but I don't think you all see it in yourselves. Listen, I know how that feels when everyone around you seems to be doing fine and you think "I have no idea what I'm doing" or "I can't do this" but before you will ever achieve you have to believe that you can. I feel an honest connection with you all through this languages bond but now since that fateful night I feel like we were all meant to meet. I think the reason that we all match so much is because you'll never understand the gratitude I have for being allowed to be my true self and have that encouraged every single day.
One of my other memories is of the sleepout, yet another great experience and one of those discoveries you don't get elsewhere - the reality of the world. I mentioned in the other post about how I was taught to be a nice person through volunteering and that's why the Night Fever followed by the sleepout is dear to me because it was about practising my religion and then experiencing what the real world is like. What I enjoyed about the sleepout was chatting with you all and I want you to know that seeing you all take part in this sort of thing again confirmed how similar we are - you have got to be quite a dedicated bunch of 16/17/18 year olds and love what you're doing to give up a Friday night to sleep on the floor of a church hall. I loved this night, even if someone's snoring did prevent sleep, it was funny though right?
You know who you are and it's important that you know that although I say goodbye to so much at All Saints the biggest and therefore the saddest goodbye is to all of you. I have one true regret about my 6 years at All Saints and it's that I never made the effort with you all before it was way too late. Spending the occasional lunch time in the French class or just seeing you in the corridors and speaking for bit concluded my All Saints experience perfectly though. I would have never seen it ending in such a way but it was the most fitting and I just wish we had more chances, more lingo days out, more coffee mornings because the simple things are the best and sadly we've reached the "shop's shut" point.
As for All Saints and languages I'll miss the everyday, I'll miss the structure, I'll miss the normality and I'll miss who I am now because I will never be the same person when I finally do finish - I will never be taught in a class again and that simple fact is heartbreaking for me. I don't know if anyone really understands how much of a pleasure my 6 years have been, or at least my last 2, but because of how lovely and gr11 (great to those of you who don't get the lingo) they were I want more. I don't feel like it's my time and that could be for many reasons or simply because I'm not confident about where I'm going next. I feel like I'm returning to square 1 and I discovered this in my last 5 days when I was having a busy, stressful week and I remembering just wanting to go have a coffee with Mrs CT but I couldn't and therefore I just felt like I was lingering in the school - I was beginning to feel like I wasn't part again and I'm worried that is what is next. However, being optimistic on this is that with you 5th years around I had the comfort and reassurance of the lingo family when I was stressed.
However, I admit it openly, I don't want to go. Not yet.
My Ninjas, I miss you all so very much already and I hope that this isn't the end of our friendships. No matter where I go in life - which I guess hopefully is Strathclyde Uni next - you will all be with me because although I say goodbye you will all never be far for as long as you are in my heart. I wish you every success in what you do next, good luck with the exams and when you arrive in 6th year all I ask is from day 1 that you respect your days at the school are numbered but if you take every opportunity, put in your all and have a bloody good time like I did you will feel complete and happy to say goodbye. Maybe I should realise that too?
This post may be all over the place I just tried to write a bit and let you all know how much All Saints meant to me but if there was one thing that mattered most it was the people. Home, (languages department) I will miss you everyday because I hate goodbyes but I leave my mark (quite literally) and I will always be on call for anything that you want me for. My chapter is done at not only All Saints but @allsaintslingo, turn the page but know that there is nothing wrong with re-reading every once in a while - please don't forget me, we are all stories in the end I just I hope it's been a good one. I hope I have added something to your lives.
I love you all and that is why saying goodbye is truly gutting.
AU REVOIR LA CLASSE
An #AllSaintsAuldStar but always a #LingoNinja,
Declan
P.S. This is my @allsaintslingo song, for all those who didn't think we could: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tZfZ9GNNLY (2:40 is my bit to the department, my incredible lingo mammies and you my lingo family)
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